An amusing, satirical take on leasing in this recent article from Cattlenetwork.

It’s The Pitts: Please Re-lease Me

Recently I did my part to stimulate the economy by purchasing a brand new car. Yeah, that was me, the person who bought the only car the Big Three sold last month.

It had been a long time since I’d bought a new car and the salesman said, “There are going to be some things on the cars I show you that you may not be familiar with.”

“What’s that?” I exclaimed nearly jumping out of the front seat.

“Those are called windshield wipers,” said the bemused salesman.

When we got down to trading on the car my wife and I were escorted into a room where we met with the finance guy. Despite what you may have heard, evidently there are still companies out there who are willing to loan money to deadbeats like me. Although we did not take advantage of the attractive lease option on the car the idea of leasing intrigued me. A rare thought entered my head: if you can lease cars why can’t you lease other expensive items such as kids, horses, dogs and spouses? Read full article

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

If you’re working today but still in a post-Turkey-Day coma, top ten excuses for falling asleep at your desk.

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

“I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

“Amen”

“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”

“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”

“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

Here’s an optimistic look at our current state of affairs from a legendary investor.

“The worse a situation becomes the less it takes to turn it around, the bigger the upside.” - George Soros

If you are tired of all the depressing news out there, turn to happynews.com. You can see the bright side here, even in the business section. Here are a few optimistic clips from the site.

Cupcakes a Sweet Spot in Sour Economy

New Breed of Investor Looks to Housing Market

Christmas Tree Market Booming Despite Economy

Pickens’ Natural Gas Idea Picking Up Steam

One Couple’s Extreme Savings Plan

An imaginary look at the economy from the Onion.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/recession_plagued_nation_demands

Recession-Plagued Nation Demands New Bubble To Invest In

WASHINGTON—A panel of top business leaders testified before Congress about the worsening recession Monday, demanding the government provide Americans with a new irresponsible and largely illusory economic bubble in which to invest.

“What America needs right now is not more talk and long-term strategy, but a concrete way to create more imaginary wealth in the very immediate future,” said Thomas Jenkins, CFO of the Boston-area Jenkins Financial Group, a bubble-based investment firm. “We are in a crisis, and that crisis demands an unviable short-term solution.”

The current economic woes, brought on by the collapse of the so-called “housing bubble,” are considered the worst to hit investors since the equally untenable dot-com bubble burst in 2001. According to investment experts, now that the option of making millions of dollars in a short time with imaginary profits from bad real-estate deals has disappeared, the need for another spontaneous make-believe source of wealth has never been more urgent.

Read full article

More Sad Guys on Trading Floors.

Funny Stock Symbols
LUV …awww
CRZY …highly volatile?
FUN …yay!
SRRY …sorry to hear, you invested here.

Random Market Commentary…

• Pencils lost a few points
• Elevators rose
• Escalators continued their slow decline
• The market for raisins dried up
• Knives were up sharply

See more random market commentary here.

What kind of market commentary did I miss?

It’s certainly tough to be a trader, as seen in these “sad guys on trading floors” pics.

And as evidenced by this gem of a quote from Morgan Stanley’s David Darst on CNBC: “We tell the young people who are looking for a job on Wall Street now, it’s either Shanghai, Mumbai, Dubai, or goodbye.”

Because it’s better to laugh than cry….some financial crisis jokes.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Quote of the day (from a trader): “The financial crisis is worse than a divorce: I have half my money, but I still have my wife.” BBC News

A few days ago Wachovia was near collapse, done in by the financial crisis. Now Citigroup and Wells Fargo are dueling over its takeover.  Why in the hell are Citigroup and Wells Fargo sparring over troubled Wachovia?  It makes as much sense as two men fighting over Amy Winehouse. Daily Comedy

How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday

What’s the difference between a pigeon and an investment banker? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Ferrari. Gaurdian UK

If you think no one cares you’re alive, miss a couple of house payments. Real Estate Humor

AP, October 10, 2008:  All sports stadiums in USA currently named for banks, insurance companies, or financial institutions will have to be renamed “Federal Reserve Park” according to a decree issued today by Ben Bernanke. ICIS